I'm Back ..... with wings on ....

I have been on a blog hiatus. I have been bad. Really really bad.  I have been feeling weighed down by children coughing, and coughing and coughing some more.  Then I almost died from Strep throat. OK. that is a lie. I FELT like I was going to die from strep throat and THEN I got mono. OK that too is a lie. It took me FOREVER to get over my step throat and then I googled "sore throat" .... and self diagnosed my inability to motivate myself to clean the house and get the laundry done, as mono.  I prescribed myself 2 book trilogies in a row and early bedtimes and TA DA ..... good as newish.

I am up late tonight though because the tooth fairy has to hit our house tonight.  Draven has lost his front top tooth. He looks a little creepy and I haven't been able to figure out what he has been saying all day. Safari is expecting something as well for the picture of a tooth with a "bloody part" she put under her pillow.

Here we go people. To lie or not to lie?  I have been told that the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, and Santa are not real. That they are a lie. I don't buy it. They still feel real to me. Of course - my Mom and Dad both still believe so how am I supposed to know the difference?  On his last visit my dad slipped his own dental plate under his pillow in an attempt to rake in a few bucks over night.

But, I am not a religious type girl. I fell off that wagon a number of years ago and bashed my head repeatedly on the way down. So please don't point out that I have lost sight on the "true meanings" ..... I will not go there.

These things have different meanings to different people. I believe in people. It's ridiculous .... I know ..... but, I believe in people having fun and experiencing joy ...... and I think it is okay to play pretend to get there sometimes. 

Let's be realistic here. There are PLENTY of things that suck about parenting: Laundry, dishes, cooking, cleaning, lack of sleep, diapers, potty training, and being wrong all. the. time. But there are awesome things too: Lego. Crafts. Super Mario. Being the tooth fairy. And the occasional well deserved glass of Sangria after you get a child calmed down after his panic over the blood involved in losing a front tooth.  Hmm. I was sure there were more but it's getting late and I'm getting tired. (*tipsy)

I remember getting up on Easter morning - being well above the age that children "believe" anymore.  And there was a basket as always and it didn't feel less special to me.  I knew who was going through all the trouble of shopping, and hiding and putting baskets together and waiting for their children to fall asleep ..... it only became less about magic of the bunny ..... and more about the magic of family .......

Plus .... I slept a little better when I knew the truth ...... I always worried one of those busy buggers would miss my place with all those kids to take care of ..... once I knew who was REALLY in charge ..... I knew I they would never let me down ..... no matter how hungover they would be in the morning.

Making Babies

You know when you are at a baby shower? And everyone is ooohing and aaaahing the perfect little features, and the perfect little toes and the perfect little fingers?  And the lady next to you says "doesn't it just make you want to have another?"

I smile - I nod but, in my head I am screaming at her "Are you out of your flipping MIND?" .... "NO".  And if holding that little baby really makes you feel that way - if that baby has some magical powers that will urge me to start over from the diaper stage - keep her the heck away from me. 

Yeah yeah - I see the cute baby - I also see the mom. She is fricken tired. Look at her - she is all blanked out watching her two year old eat food off the floor - and you know what she is thinking? She is thinking "Oh good, now I don't have to feed that one too". Look. Her left eye is twitching now.

Here is a fact: (Some of you ladies are going to want to sit down for this) I am not much of a "baby person". Now if you are sitting there reading this - and holding your baby - this comment might feel like an insult to you - so let me be clear: YOUR baby that lives at YOUR house - that YOU have to feed and YOU have to change his or her diaper that YOU have to get up with every 3 minutes: is AWESOME.

I always wanted to have children. When I pictured myself with children - they were children. Small people. Not babies.

Now don't get me wrong. I loved my babies. That initial feeling of love that has never been experienced before over your children - truly amazing - truly unmatched. I loved them with all my heart but, WOW - they were high. maintenance.

Now I had babies that didn't sleep. Draven didn't sleep to the extreme. The baby book says "Don't be concerned if your baby sleeps 16 to 18 hours a day." ...... that is WHAT. THE. BOOK. SAID. ....... NOOOO .... no no no no ..... not Draven ..... he slept 45 minutes at a time ..... every 3 hours for a fricken year and a half. Then the book didn't say that anymore. Because I ripped that page out. If you are one of those people that say "all babies do is eat, poop, and sleep" ..... we are probably not friends ..... because I hate you ..... because you are a liar.


The conversation about having our second child went something like this:

Me: I think I am ready to have another baby
Husband: Are you insane?
Me: Probably
Husband: I saw a documentary on what lack of sleep does to your brain. You will probably never go     back to normal.
Me: Might as well try for a girl then?

BINGO! It's a girl! . He was right. I will never go back to normal.

A Woman's Work .....

A woman's work ...... is never done ...... but, I am incredibly talented and finding ways to put it off.

It is no secret that I hate housework.  Every once in awhile I buy into the "If you keep on top of it - make a schedule - do a little bit each day so it doesn't pile up" theory. And it WORKS!  I get into to it - day 5 I am like YES - this AWESOME - my house looks NICE. The weekend hits - more awesome - my house stayed clean over a weekend!!  Put some time into it each day. So simple yet soooo effective. Then around day 9 I am looking at the winter gear that has hit the floor by the door - couple baskets of clean laundry that need to be put away - dishwasher needs emptying ... AGAIN ..... and my reaction becomes .... FRICKETTY FRACK  ..... seriously .... EVERY DAY?!?  Who can do this EVERY DAY?!?  Draven gets to play a video game and Safari gets to do a craft and I have to put clothes on hanger. What a rip off!

The vacuum cleaner hates me. 

For me the criteria of successful vacuuming session is as follows:

1.  Nothing is destroyed with the vacuum cleaner. 
2.  Nothing of value is sucked into the vacuum cleaner - this includes pets.
3.  Nothing vacuumed up causes the vacuum cleaner  to start making a weird noise.

....... And I only have to get 2 out of 3. 

Am I the only one that needs to call their husband EVERY time the vacuum cleaner bag needs changing.  "You remembered to take the hose off first right?" ..... "pffft ... yeah ..... you've told me that 50 times .... OK I gotta go take the hose off".

It is pretty cool how fast the toilet paper unrolls when you catch the end of it in the end of the vacuum cleaner. It goes FAST. If you can catch a decent sized loose yarn - a rug can unravel pretty darn fast as well. 

As an  aside  - I heard that a budgie bird can survive the trip to the vacuum bag - if you rip open the bag quickly and get him out.  This is just what I have heard.  Please don't call Peta. 

I am great at dusting. So I am not hopeless. It may help that when shopping for new decorative items and pieces of furniture for our home - my husband has trained me to choose things that "Don't look too hard to dust."

My husband is at ease with my domestic failures - it is true! Go ahead and ask him - some of my friends have already asked how he feels about my superior housekeeping skills - and his reply is always the same:

"She is an awesome Mom."

What a brilliant man.

Happy New Year

New Years resolution time.  New Years resolutions can change your life. And I do mean yours - my life is fine.

OK.

I thought about making a resolution this year - and even went as far as deciding what it should be.  My ipod wouldn't work at the gym - so I had to do something to entertain myself while peddling the bike that goes nowhere.

Here it is: To be more domestic. 

What does that mean?

I have no idea. Probably why I suck at it in the first place.  I thought I should try things like:

• Work harder at meal times.  Make it more interesting. Plan ahead better.  Or make a plan at all. 
• Try harder to keep on top of the laundry.  Or at the very least not wait until EVERYONE is out of underwear before doing a load ..... of underwear ..... and the exact number of pairs of pants left in the school week.
• Try to keep the house tidier.  Commit more time to the domestic crap.

I EVEN came up with an acronym for my new domestic resoluted self:  M.E.L.T.

What can I say, I was on the bike that goes nowhere for an hour. M - Meals, E - Exercise, L - Laundry and T - Tidy.  NICE right?  I just threw the E in there because I needed a vowel - so I picked something I already do.  Resoluting feels good.

Riiiight. Why don't I just resolve to find Big Foot.  He's probably right here in this house under a heap of laundry anyway.

You know those people that say things like "drop by anytime." So you do. And their house is clean - every. friggen. time.  I secretly want to be one of those people.  But - that's not going to happen.  I'm sorry - you need to call before you come over or you risk the strong possibility of being shocked and dismayed. 

I blame my mother.  That's what your supposed to do right?  Anyway - it really is her fault - she had this ridiculous - "let kids be kids" attitude when we were growing up - that wore off on me a little. For example - I let my kids play with moon sand. Or play dough. Or both at the same time. In the living room.

I KNOW!!! What kind of idiot DOES that!! 

At this VERY moment there is a Cinderella doll all taped up to a "hospital machine" (purple chair) - in the middle of the living room - and she has to stay there for 10 days. The doctor TOLD Safari that she needed to stay in the hospital (aka - middle of the living room floor) for 10 days ..... and I agreed to that crap. The IMAGINARY doctor SAID SO!!!

My brother and sister-in-law gave my daughter a hair dryer that blows GLITTER for Christmas last year. I let her use it wherever, whenever - unsupervised. Then the batteries died. I CHANGED them for her.  I am not well mentally.

Obviously when you let thing get out of control - like I have - switching to domestic goddess is going to take some time.  Which is fine. You can't very well vacuum with a sick Cinderella in the living room - so I have another 10 days anyway.



Math Problem

I do not use the word hate lightly - and my children, in fact, believe that hate is one of the "bad words"....... but, I have a confession to make. I hate. my daughters. room.  It literally looks like a bomb went off in it. A bomb that was full of pink, sparkles, shiny crap, plastic animals, markers, paper, hair accessories, doll limbs, and some stuff I can't even identify. 

Now before you start messaging about the wonders of throwing all her stuff out when she is not there.  Don't bother. It's not going to happen.  Again.

I spent 2 afternoons in the room I hate - I threw out an ark full of crap - three days later - the room I hate looked exactly the same as it did before.  I have 2 hours and 47 minutes a day to myself while she goes to half day kindergarten - my only opportunity to infiltrate her room (the room I hate) - and it won't happen again.

Why you ask?

Because. I then had conversations like this:

Safari: Have you seen my little triangle of paper with a sparkle star sticker on it?

Me: Um. No I haven't.  (This. is a lie. A - BIG -FAT -LIE)

Safari: Please come help me find it (tears).

Me: okay.

For the next half an hour I am in the room I hate. With a child that is hysterical. Searching for a tiny piece of paper that no longer exists.

Me: You know what hon, why don't we just make a new triangle piece of paper with a sparkle star sticker on it? We have more sparkle star stickers!

Safari: Will you help me?

Me: Of course!

Safari: We should make a bunch so I have extras in case I lose one again.

Me: I think that is a great idea. (yet another - BIG- FAT - LIE)

So let's re-cap, shall we? NOW. I have spent 5 hours and 34 minutes in the room I hate secretly removing stuff. Then - I spend ANOTHER 30 minutes in the room I hate searching for an item that no longer exists.  THEN - I spend yet ANOTHER hour and 42 minutes in the room I hate cutting 27 triangles of paper while the hysterical one attaches small sparkly star stickers to them.  So I now have spent 7 hours and 46 minutes - in the room I hate - creating a situation - where I now have 26 more little pieces of paper with sparkly stars on them - than I originally tossed away.

I am no Mathematician - but, I am pretty sure that all that added up to a colossal waste of my time.

Now you will have to excuse me - I need to go buy more sparkly star stickers.

Christmas - Don't be a Hater!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

Okay. Not everyone loves Christmas but, I do!!! I know people have challenges at Christmas - I have them too - for example - my favorite pair of pink and silver sparkle Christmas socks with the picture of Rudolf on them have pom poms in the back.  They are impossible to get into my winter boots.  See?!? We all have problems to work through.

What is NOT. to love. about Christmas?!? okay okay - the mall Santa's ARE creepy. But wearing funny Christmas hats and adding booze to everything we consume? We can't get into that?!?

Now. Before everyone starts throwing rocks at this post and pointing out that there are families out there that can't afford to buy presents for their children and that Christmas is a true hardship for people out there - you. are. right. - and you need to get your ass out there and donate time or money to someone in need - and many of you do - and it is another reason I. love. Christmas!

My annoyance with the "Christmas Haters" ..... is more with the "First World" kind of Christmas issues ....... like: "I had to wait in a really long line up while listening to Christmas music."

Have you seen the crowds out there? um yeah. I actually picked up on that it happens yearly.

Cookies. Egg Nog. The Grinch. Twinkly lights. Santa. NONE of these things work for you?

When I hear someone start on a "I hate Christmas" rant ........ I do my best to walk away.  I am sorry but, your painfully predictable reasons for hating Christmas is cutting into my enjoying life to fullest time.  I would rather have someone kick me in the rum balls than listen to another lecture about consumerism. 

I KNOW. Christmas these days is all about greed and deceit.  Gotcha. Now get out of my way - I want to snag the last gingerbread man before the kids see it and work out some subtle hand signals with Grandma so we can win Pictionary this year.

Grandma Claus is coming to town

The threat of "being good" for Santa's arrival .......is getting me nowhere.

For the boy - there is no doubt - he fricken oozes "goodness". We have no idea where that comes from. His report card is actually a little boring, quite frankly .... oh another E followed by another "All of the Time".

Safari is a whooole different world. as usual.

Safari: "It is just waaay tooo hard."

Me: "What is way tooo hard?"

Safari: "Being good."

Me: "Don't you want Santa to bring you something nice?"

Safari: "Grandma will buy me something nice."

Me: "okkkkaay - your report card says you are very good at school - can't you just keep being good when you get home?"

Safari: "I can't be good for that long."

It's good to know your limitations, right?

 I have already told her that Santa's elves can watch you anywhere - so it is probably too late to tell her she should try being bad at school and good when she gets home, right? And Morally that seems wrong - but - FEELS like the right thing to do:  It would be like a little pre-Christmas present to myself?

Draven: "Safari - here's the thing - If you're really good - you will get something really nice from Grandma AND from Santa"

Safari: "It's too hard .... I will love what Grandma gives me."

WOW. That is a lot of confidence in a Grandma that used to be someones Mom that would walk all the way over to the box of Christmas oranges to get something else to fill the stockings up with. 

When exactly did I stop falling for?:

1. HEY somebody ate the rest of the Ferrero Rocher!!!
2. Never mind, it's fine - Santa put some in my stocking.

But - things HAVE changed - Safari and Draven have beautiful handmade stocking made by the same woman that handed me one of Dad's work socks that didn't have many holes in it.  Safari's stocking is PINK FUR! With her name sewn in beautiful pink lettering!?! How is Santa supposed to compete with that crap!

Screw it.  Being good is too hard. Maybe Grandma can make me a nice bottle of vodka.