Monday, October 31, 2011

Stark Raving

My daughter is nuts. Stark raving.

This is a typical conversation with my 4 year old daughter:

Safari: "Do dolphins eat flowers?"

Me: "I don't really think so hon"

Safari: "But, do they?"

Me: "Eat flowers?"

Safari (now visibly annoyed): "yesssss..."

Me: "I don't think there are many flowers in the ocean"

Safari: "But, do they EAT them?"

Me: "I don't think I really know what Dolphins eat, maybe small fish, I don't know - I can google it?"

Safari (I can now see her tiny little blood pressure rising)  "DO. they. EAT .... FLOWERS?"

Me: "yes?"

Safari *big sigh* "okay then ...."

I feel like I just dodged a friggen land mine ......

Safari: "What kind of flowers do they eat?"

.......oh crap  ......

Me: "Roses?"

Safari: "MOM .... Dolphins can't EAT ROSES! Roses have POKEY THINGS"

Me: "Tulips?"

Safari: "do tulips have pokey things?"

Me: "No"

Safari: "okay then"

I find myself, giving up, and just saying "Safari - what do you want me to say?" Someday ..... someone is going to have to marry this girl ..... and yes ..... I mean "HAVE to".  She will decide who she is marrying and he will have no choice.  He would have to be a master negotiator to get out of it.  He'll be screwed.

Safari "Momma, can I take the ipad to bed with me?"

Me: "No hon, you need to get to sleep"

Safari "If I go to bed right now - can I take it"

Me: "You ARE going to bed right now anyway"

Safari "so I can take the ipad?"

Me: "no"

Safari "But, CAN I take the IPAD?"

....... Go ask your Dad ..... he wanted a girl .......

Friday, October 28, 2011

Okay little People ... time to pick up the slack ....

Me: "Safari, could you please put all these markers and paper away so there is room to eat supper?"

Safari: "No thank-you Mommy."

ummmm .... okay?

So we have been going on quite a few play dates.  I am learning A LOT from other peoples children.  I hear things coming out of other people children's mouths that sound like this:  .... "Here is my plate Mom" ..... "Is it time to pick up our toys now?" ..... "Mom, can I do a chore so that I can play video game?"
....Where did these parents find these small. freaks. of nature?

A friend tells me "well, he lost his video game privileges because he wouldn't clean his room".  WHAT?!? That is Unbelievable! He sometimes cleans his own room?!?


So I have thought it through. My children are 7 and 4 and I think I may have already broken them.  Before you have children .... nobody EVER warns you about how easy they are to screw up! ..... I am pretty sure they have learned more about putting their own things away from the dog - Nova - than from me. Seriously. Draven discovered when Nova was a puppy - if he didn't put his aquadoodle pad away - she would aquadoodle on it. No need for the pen. And we have plenty of Barbies that look like they have been in horrific industrial accidents.

So now I am trying to fix it. Working hard at introducing more responsibility into my children's lives.  It would be sooo rewarding ..... if it wasn't sooo ..... brutally..... flippen ......painful.

Me: "Draven, take your clothes to the laundry please"

Me: "Draven, did you hear me? take you clothes to the laundry please"

Me "Draven, have you taken your clothes to laundry yet?"

Me: "Draven. Clothes. Laundry. Now"

Draven: "Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?" - picking up socks like they way 50 pounds - dropping them into a laundry basket - and flopping to the floor in exhaustion.

Good job buddy! You're awesome .......... such a good helper .....

.......... kill me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

To Game or not to Game

How the heck should I know?

I am a grown women that worships the ground that Super Mario walks on.  Did you know that Super Mario was actually a spin off from Donkey Kong, originally called Jumpman?  Of course you didn't. You ... are normal. 

Big TVs, Xbox, Wii, Nintendo DS. We have it all.  6 a.m. Saturday morning my kids still want to get up and make cupcakes before I have even had a coffee. Really? Have you opened the cannon in World 7 yet? But, Safari had a dream - of making white cupcakes with 4 different colors of icing.

I had a dream too ..... but, then you woke me up. To make cupcakes. Draven wants one of the colors to be orange. Orange?!? why can't they make orange food coloring? you have to mix colors to make orange. It NEVER looks orange.  'Skin color' is the closest I've gotten and Safari said it looked "rash color".

I have parents tell me that they shut off the T.V. because their children are sitting there staring blankly at it.  My children will NOT do that! I know! I try to get them to do it ALL the time.  The won't sit still and stare.  I need a few minutes to make dinner - "watch a T.V. show" .... three minutes into the show - they are hitting each other with light sabers .... covering a window in stickers ...... carrying down margarine containers full of water from the bathroom ........ "can we have some flour?" .... WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

I need the video games .... idle hands .... and all that.

Draven and I do NOT. understand. why Nintendo has released Pikmin 2 in Japan but, not in North America. We are thinking of starting a petition. This is how serious we take video games at our house.

It should be obvious by now that my children are doomed.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Welcome to the Insanity

For years BC (before children), I worked in the hotel business.  More specifically - the bar business.  I did a lot of bar tending, a ton of waitressing and occasionally - a little bouncing. 

It is an interesting life working in the bar business.  You're up all night. People are super entertaining.  People make you laugh.  You listen to peoples problems. You take care of their needs - make sure they have plenty to eat or drink.  You spend plenty of time cleaning up messes and spills. You send people back to their hotel rooms when they've had enough. You break up a lot of fights. You comfort plenty of tears.  You listen to a lot of incoherent babble.  You hear a lot of untruths.  You spend  a ton of time trying to figure out what. these. people. are talking about.  And you spend a ton of time wondering ..... bar tending school?  Really? What was I thinking?

So, now I have two children and essentially .... my life remains the same hahahahahaha.

Seriously though. My life. remains. the same.

Well ... except for maybe the part where my current clientele is freakin' adorable and I would take a bullet for them .... but day to day .... pretty much the same.