Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Grandma Claus is coming to town

The threat of "being good" for Santa's arrival .......is getting me nowhere.

For the boy - there is no doubt - he fricken oozes "goodness". We have no idea where that comes from. His report card is actually a little boring, quite frankly .... oh another E followed by another "All of the Time".

Safari is a whooole different world. as usual.

Safari: "It is just waaay tooo hard."

Me: "What is way tooo hard?"

Safari: "Being good."

Me: "Don't you want Santa to bring you something nice?"

Safari: "Grandma will buy me something nice."

Me: "okkkkaay - your report card says you are very good at school - can't you just keep being good when you get home?"

Safari: "I can't be good for that long."

It's good to know your limitations, right?

 I have already told her that Santa's elves can watch you anywhere - so it is probably too late to tell her she should try being bad at school and good when she gets home, right? And Morally that seems wrong - but - FEELS like the right thing to do:  It would be like a little pre-Christmas present to myself?

Draven: "Safari - here's the thing - If you're really good - you will get something really nice from Grandma AND from Santa"

Safari: "It's too hard .... I will love what Grandma gives me."

WOW. That is a lot of confidence in a Grandma that used to be someones Mom that would walk all the way over to the box of Christmas oranges to get something else to fill the stockings up with. 

When exactly did I stop falling for?:

1. HEY somebody ate the rest of the Ferrero Rocher!!!
2. Never mind, it's fine - Santa put some in my stocking.

But - things HAVE changed - Safari and Draven have beautiful handmade stocking made by the same woman that handed me one of Dad's work socks that didn't have many holes in it.  Safari's stocking is PINK FUR! With her name sewn in beautiful pink lettering!?! How is Santa supposed to compete with that crap!

Screw it.  Being good is too hard. Maybe Grandma can make me a nice bottle of vodka.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Let it Snow Baby!!!!

You know how when you are taking your long underwear off and they some how roll down in perfect harmony with your socks rolling down? And now they have become one unit.  One unit that you can't stretch enough to slide over your heel and you can't get them to separate.  And now, you're STUCK with your freakin long underwear around your left ankle - so you shake it around and curse because you are already grumpy from being cold all friggen day? No? then you are probably not from Canada.

Then why do we live here?  We don't live here.  We were born here .... and we can't escape. Why? because Canada is awesome. And Canadians are awesome. We need to blame the first stupid awesome people that decided to have stupid awesome babies here. They bred a whole country of awesome - patriotic - COLD people. Stupid settlers. 

All Canadian Moms teach their children the basics:
  1. The snow pants go UNDER the coat.  Even though my son tries to jam them over - every. freakin.year
  2. Your mitts need to be secured over your coat sleeves - nothing ends a party like getting snow on your wrists
  3. Don't throw snowballs at your mom. I gave you life .... don't make me take it away ...
  4. And DO NOT. UNDER ANY circumstances - lick anything metal.
YET. Come mid January when all the snow angel/snowman/snowball making starts to get old - children will get bored enough to test the "licking metal" theory and you will find hundreds of Canadian children stuck to metal playground poles all across this great country.

I got my first car when I was 18.  And for 14 years I dealt with winter like this: From Warm Building to Warm Car. From Warm Car to Warm Building. Repeat.

I would spend a grand total of 7 minutes outside in an entire day and STILL complain how cold it was.  How I managed to not have my arse kicked with a frozen boot, by people that actually WORK outside for hours at a time, I will never know. 

Then, I had children. They love EVERYTHING about snow - they love to skate, and ski and build snowmen and all. kinds. of. ridiculous. crap. 

Another #!##$ing thing I was NOT warned about.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Communication - the key to happiness!

It is Friday evening .... I am sitting at the computer, maneuvering through blogs via Twitter - my husband let's me know he is going out - and he leaves. 

Half hour later it is time to tub the kids. I'm getting them ready to dive in and my son says "where is Dad? - I want Dad to watch us in the tub."  me "Sorry buddy, Daddy went too ..........."

Hm. Where DID dad go?

I think back.  I am at the computer - I remember the blog I am reading clearly.  He is standing beside me .... he is so adorable .... and he says "I am heading to the blah blah blah to wah wah wah.".  Hmm Frickety frack, I have no idea. Draven "when will he be back?".  Good question, I have no idea how long it takes to wah wah wah at the blah blah blah.

Communication is key. It is key to a great marriage and a great family life. My house is FULL of communicators .... well .....talkers anyway.  Everyone has something to say, ALL the time.  The problem is:

No one is listening.

Me "What did I tell you about covering the bathroom in an inch of water?" Safari "um ......to ...... put a towel down first?" Me "Um ....no ....."

Me "Draven - did I tell you to keep playing Nintendo until we are late for school? - or did I tell you to get your coat on?"  Draven "I forget." Me "why don't you guess which one" Draven "put my coat on and THEN play Nintendo .... until ..... something ......... happens .........with school?"

Fricken kill me.

Me "Did you brush your teeth". Safari "No"........ Me "I told you - you could only play with the itouch for a bit before bed if you did what?" Safari "Turned the sound off on it?" Me "No ....you needed to brush  your ....." Safari "Hair?" SERIOUSLY!?!

My husband works away for 15 days and is home for 6.  He works all over Alberta - BC - sometimes Saskatchewan and beyond. He ALWAYS tells me where he is but, who the heck can keep track of all that? My mother-in-law calls "Just heard from Rob - nice that he is working so close to home hey?" Me "Um .... yeah?...... how close?...... exactly?" ...... Could he drop by?  Did I brag about getting a bunch of crap done while he was gone this time?

......whatever .... he probably wasn't listening if I did.

Photograph by Suzanne Sagmeister Photography

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

little freaks

Before I had children - my friend Tanya came over to visit.  Her little son was eating grapes that had been cut in half for his safety.  When he was finished the grapes - he turned the container over and poured the left over grape juice onto my couch.  My friend quickly grabbed his sock - wiped up the juice.  I asked her "why did he do that?" ..... she replied "I have no idea"


I thought: that was weird.

bull poop.

I now have children and -  THAT. was.  NOTHING ..... it gets soooo much weirder than that. 

I hear pregnant women talking about what age they will have potty trained by, and when to start teaching them to print their names and all kinds of crap. 

What age are you going to try to get them to stop licking all the mirrors in the house?  When is it appropriate to throw away all their long sleeved shirts because they insist on using them as facial tissue.  Non parents think - maybe you should give them their own little pack of Kleenex?.  Parents know that they could have the magical power of dispensing tissue from their own little arses - and they still will refuse to use any of them on their nose.

Please stop licking the screen.

My daughter cut craft foam into the shape of "boogers" and tried to stuff them up her nose.  Luckily, she had trouble getting them to stay up there. Unfortunately, her brother helped her get them up there farther.  Suddenly all the intoxicated people in the emergency department don't have as stupid reasons to be there as you used to think.

Sanitary napkins? My son stuck 15 of them to the front window. My daughter steals them out of the drawer to use as bandages for her stuffed toys. My cousins daughter likes to stick them to the bottom of her feet to use them as "skates". 

"Stop licking the screen."  "Please don't walk around holding that Tupperware container on your crotch when guests are here." "Who taped all the tea towels together?" "Yes. your bum DOES look hilarious when you do that with your underwear - please don't do that at school."

"Why are there thirty little wads of wet tissue balled up and lined up on the edge of the tub? .... well can you clean them up? really? .... you NEED them for what exactly"

Now. If you don't have children .... you don't think your children would be that weird.  If you DO have children, you are trying to remember how old they were when they stopped licking mirrors.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I love computers.

Last winter was a rough one for our family.  My son Draven developed some medical issues that concluded (somewhat) with a 12 day hospital stay for him.  A simple issue .... gone terribly wrong.

That was not the rough part. The rough part was that the medical system had been failing him. Over and over again. I spent months pushing for help for my son ..... and was continually turned away with a pat on the head and "crazy mom" being conveyed in looks between medical staff.  By the time help finally swooped in the form of a doctor whose name still brings tears to my eyes ...... I had lost it ....... a little ...... ON a few people ....... in a whole bunch of different medical establishments.

On our second night of our second stay in the hospital (I stayed with him the entire 12 days) ..... things had settled down.  Specialists had taken over ...... we weren't at risk of being flown to a larger center for Draven to have to undergo surgery any longer.  I had become a slightly calmer, moderately rational, slightly less twitchy, human being.

I was watching Draven drift off to sleep, when he suddenly opens his eyes and says to me "I know what BS stands for".

Oh Boy. I may have used that term a few (dozen) times in the past few weeks.
"What's that buddy?" I ask ..... assuming I would have some explaining to do ....

His reply?

"Back Space"

...... Have I mentioned how much I love computers?