Wednesday, November 9, 2011

little freaks

Before I had children - my friend Tanya came over to visit.  Her little son was eating grapes that had been cut in half for his safety.  When he was finished the grapes - he turned the container over and poured the left over grape juice onto my couch.  My friend quickly grabbed his sock - wiped up the juice.  I asked her "why did he do that?" ..... she replied "I have no idea"


I thought: that was weird.

bull poop.

I now have children and -  THAT. was.  NOTHING ..... it gets soooo much weirder than that. 

I hear pregnant women talking about what age they will have potty trained by, and when to start teaching them to print their names and all kinds of crap. 

What age are you going to try to get them to stop licking all the mirrors in the house?  When is it appropriate to throw away all their long sleeved shirts because they insist on using them as facial tissue.  Non parents think - maybe you should give them their own little pack of Kleenex?.  Parents know that they could have the magical power of dispensing tissue from their own little arses - and they still will refuse to use any of them on their nose.

Please stop licking the screen.

My daughter cut craft foam into the shape of "boogers" and tried to stuff them up her nose.  Luckily, she had trouble getting them to stay up there. Unfortunately, her brother helped her get them up there farther.  Suddenly all the intoxicated people in the emergency department don't have as stupid reasons to be there as you used to think.

Sanitary napkins? My son stuck 15 of them to the front window. My daughter steals them out of the drawer to use as bandages for her stuffed toys. My cousins daughter likes to stick them to the bottom of her feet to use them as "skates". 

"Stop licking the screen."  "Please don't walk around holding that Tupperware container on your crotch when guests are here." "Who taped all the tea towels together?" "Yes. your bum DOES look hilarious when you do that with your underwear - please don't do that at school."

"Why are there thirty little wads of wet tissue balled up and lined up on the edge of the tub? .... well can you clean them up? really? .... you NEED them for what exactly"

Now. If you don't have children .... you don't think your children would be that weird.  If you DO have children, you are trying to remember how old they were when they stopped licking mirrors.


  1. Wow! I don't think I will be able to stop thinking about dispensing tissues from my buttocks for a long time. Sanitary napkins on the window. Now that is something I wish I could have seen.

  2. HAHAHHAHA! Oh yes.....the things I NEVER thought I'd say! My 3 year old was given a make-up set for her birthday the other stuff, as I'm sure you can imagine! Following now b/c of Suzanne Sagmeister

  3. Oh Leanne, the tears in my eyes are from laughing, and now I am wondering when my kids stopped licking mirrors...LOL.

  4. They only stop licking the mirrors to start kissing them... with oily lipstick on that ages to get off! LOL

  5. Hilarious!!!!! And so awesomely true!
    I never thought I'd have to scream at the dinner table -Every.Single.Night - "please don't dig in your butt and then touch your food or MY food."

  6. Note to not read this at 1 week pst c-section!! Ouch from laughing so hard!

  7. Oh my fack, but my stomach, from laughing.

    SO happy Dana told me about you.

    HILARIOUS, woman.

  8. My daughter walks up to my husband, looks over his shirt and asks, "Where do you want me to wipe my nose?" He's disgusted... I'm thrilled she asks where. I think I've lowered my expectations...