Monday, January 30, 2012

Making Babies

You know when you are at a baby shower? And everyone is ooohing and aaaahing the perfect little features, and the perfect little toes and the perfect little fingers?  And the lady next to you says "doesn't it just make you want to have another?"

I smile - I nod but, in my head I am screaming at her "Are you out of your flipping MIND?" .... "NO".  And if holding that little baby really makes you feel that way - if that baby has some magical powers that will urge me to start over from the diaper stage - keep her the heck away from me. 

Yeah yeah - I see the cute baby - I also see the mom. She is fricken tired. Look at her - she is all blanked out watching her two year old eat food off the floor - and you know what she is thinking? She is thinking "Oh good, now I don't have to feed that one too". Look. Her left eye is twitching now.

Here is a fact: (Some of you ladies are going to want to sit down for this) I am not much of a "baby person". Now if you are sitting there reading this - and holding your baby - this comment might feel like an insult to you - so let me be clear: YOUR baby that lives at YOUR house - that YOU have to feed and YOU have to change his or her diaper that YOU have to get up with every 3 minutes: is AWESOME.

I always wanted to have children. When I pictured myself with children - they were children. Small people. Not babies.

Now don't get me wrong. I loved my babies. That initial feeling of love that has never been experienced before over your children - truly amazing - truly unmatched. I loved them with all my heart but, WOW - they were high. maintenance.

Now I had babies that didn't sleep. Draven didn't sleep to the extreme. The baby book says "Don't be concerned if your baby sleeps 16 to 18 hours a day." ...... that is WHAT. THE. BOOK. SAID. ....... NOOOO .... no no no no ..... not Draven ..... he slept 45 minutes at a time ..... every 3 hours for a fricken year and a half. Then the book didn't say that anymore. Because I ripped that page out. If you are one of those people that say "all babies do is eat, poop, and sleep" ..... we are probably not friends ..... because I hate you ..... because you are a liar.

The conversation about having our second child went something like this:

Me: I think I am ready to have another baby
Husband: Are you insane?
Me: Probably
Husband: I saw a documentary on what lack of sleep does to your brain. You will probably never go     back to normal.
Me: Might as well try for a girl then?

BINGO! It's a girl! . He was right. I will never go back to normal.

Monday, January 16, 2012

A Woman's Work .....

A woman's work ...... is never done ...... but, I am incredibly talented and finding ways to put it off.

It is no secret that I hate housework.  Every once in awhile I buy into the "If you keep on top of it - make a schedule - do a little bit each day so it doesn't pile up" theory. And it WORKS!  I get into to it - day 5 I am like YES - this AWESOME - my house looks NICE. The weekend hits - more awesome - my house stayed clean over a weekend!!  Put some time into it each day. So simple yet soooo effective. Then around day 9 I am looking at the winter gear that has hit the floor by the door - couple baskets of clean laundry that need to be put away - dishwasher needs emptying ... AGAIN ..... and my reaction becomes .... FRICKETTY FRACK  ..... seriously .... EVERY DAY?!?  Who can do this EVERY DAY?!?  Draven gets to play a video game and Safari gets to do a craft and I have to put clothes on hanger. What a rip off!

The vacuum cleaner hates me. 

For me the criteria of successful vacuuming session is as follows:
  1.  Nothing is destroyed with the vacuum cleaner. 
  2.  Nothing of value is sucked into the vacuum cleaner - this includes pets.
  3.  Nothing vacuumed up causes the vacuum cleaner  to start making a weird noise.
....... And I only have to get 2 out of 3. 

Am I the only one that needs to call their husband EVERY time the vacuum cleaner bag needs changing.  "You remembered to take the hose off first right?" ..... "pffft ... yeah ..... you've told me that 50 times .... OK I gotta go take the hose off".

It is pretty cool how fast the toilet paper unrolls when you catch the end of it in the end of the vacuum cleaner. It goes FAST. If you can catch a decent sized loose yarn - a rug can unravel pretty darn fast as well. 
As an  aside  - I heard that a budgie bird can survive the trip to the vacuum bag - if you rip open the bag quickly and get him out.  This is just what I have heard.  Please don't call Peta. 
I am great at dusting. So I am not hopeless. It may help that when shopping for new decorative items and pieces of furniture for our home - my husband has trained me to choose things that "Don't look too hard to dust."

My husband is at ease with my domestic failures - it is true! Go ahead and ask him - some of my friends have already asked how he feels about my superior housekeeping skills - and his reply is always the same:
"She is an awesome Mom."
What a brilliant man.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Happy New Year

New Years resolution time.  New Years resolutions can change your life. And I do mean yours - my life is fine.


I thought about making a resolution this year - and even went as far as deciding what it should be.  My ipod wouldn't work at the gym - so I had to do something to entertain myself while peddling the bike that goes nowhere.

Here it is: To be more domestic. 

What does that mean?

I have no idea. Probably why I suck at it in the first place.  I thought I should try things like:
  • Work harder at meal times.  Make it more interesting. Plan ahead better.  Or make a plan at all. 
  • Try harder to keep on top of the laundry.  Or at the very least not wait until EVERYONE is out of underwear before doing a load ..... of underwear ..... and the exact number of pairs of pants left in the school week.
  • Try to keep the house tidier.  Commit more time to the domestic crap.
I EVEN came up with an acronym for my new domestic resoluted self:  M.E.L.T.

What can I say, I was on the bike that goes nowhere for an hour. M - Meals, E - Exercise, L - Laundry and T - Tidy.  NICE right?  I just threw the E in there because I needed a vowel - so I picked something I already do.  Resoluting feels good.

Riiiight. Why don't I just resolve to find Big Foot.  He's probably right here in this house under a heap of laundry anyway.

You know those people that say things like "drop by anytime." So you do. And their house is clean - every. friggen. time.  I secretly want to be one of those people.  But - that's not going to happen.  I'm sorry - you need to call before you come over or you risk the strong possibility of being shocked and dismayed. 

I blame my mother.  That's what your supposed to do right?  Anyway - it really is her fault - she had this ridiculous - "let kids be kids" attitude when we were growing up - that wore off on me a little. For example - I let my kids play with moon sand. Or play dough. Or both at the same time. In the living room.
I KNOW!!! What kind of idiot DOES that!! 

At this VERY moment there is a Cinderella doll all taped up to a "hospital machine" (purple chair) - in the middle of the living room - and she has to stay there for 10 days. The doctor TOLD Safari that she needed to stay in the hospital (aka - middle of the living room floor) for 10 days ..... and I agreed to that crap. The IMAGINARY doctor SAID SO!!!

My brother and sister-in-law gave my daughter a hair dryer that blows GLITTER for Christmas last year. I let her use it wherever, whenever - unsupervised. Then the batteries died. I CHANGED them for her.  I am not well mentally.

Obviously when you let thing get out of control - like I have - switching to domestic goddess is going to take some time.  Which is fine. You can't very well vacuum with a sick Cinderella in the living room - so I have another 10 days anyway.