Thursday, December 8, 2011

Math Problem

I do not use the word hate lightly - and my children, in fact, believe that hate is one of the "bad words"....... but, I have a confession to make. I hate. my daughters. room.  It literally looks like a bomb went off in it. A bomb that was full of pink, sparkles, shiny crap, plastic animals, markers, paper, hair accessories, doll limbs, and some stuff I can't even identify. 

Now before you start messaging about the wonders of throwing all her stuff out when she is not there.  Don't bother. It's not going to happen.  Again.

I spent 2 afternoons in the room I hate - I threw out an ark full of crap - three days later - the room I hate looked exactly the same as it did before.  I have 2 hours and 47 minutes a day to myself while she goes to half day kindergarten - my only opportunity to infiltrate her room (the room I hate) - and it won't happen again.

Why you ask?

Because. I then had conversations like this:

Safari: Have you seen my little triangle of paper with a sparkle star sticker on it?

Me: Um. No I haven't.  (This. is a lie. A - BIG -FAT -LIE)

Safari: Please come help me find it (tears).

Me: okay.

For the next half an hour I am in the room I hate. With a child that is hysterical. Searching for a tiny piece of paper that no longer exists.

Me: You know what hon, why don't we just make a new triangle piece of paper with a sparkle star sticker on it? We have more sparkle star stickers!

Safari: Will you help me?

Me: Of course!

Safari: We should make a bunch so I have extras in case I lose one again.

Me: I think that is a great idea. (yet another - BIG- FAT - LIE)

So let's re-cap, shall we? NOW. I have spent 5 hours and 34 minutes in the room I hate secretly removing stuff. Then - I spend ANOTHER 30 minutes in the room I hate searching for an item that no longer exists.  THEN - I spend yet ANOTHER hour and 42 minutes in the room I hate cutting 27 triangles of paper while the hysterical one attaches small sparkly star stickers to them.  So I now have spent 7 hours and 46 minutes - in the room I hate - creating a situation - where I now have 26 more little pieces of paper with sparkly stars on them - than I originally tossed away.

I am no Mathematician - but, I am pretty sure that all that added up to a colossal waste of my time.

Now you will have to excuse me - I need to go buy more sparkly star stickers.

Friday, December 2, 2011

Christmas - Don't be a Hater!!!


Okay. Not everyone loves Christmas but, I do!!! I know people have challenges at Christmas - I have them too - for example - my favorite pair of pink and silver sparkle Christmas socks with the picture of Rudolf on them have pom poms in the back.  They are impossible to get into my winter boots.  See?!? We all have problems to work through.

What is NOT. to love. about Christmas?!? okay okay - the mall Santa's ARE creepy. But wearing funny Christmas hats and adding booze to everything we consume? We can't get into that?!?

Now. Before everyone starts throwing rocks at this post and pointing out that there are families out there that can't afford to buy presents for their children and that Christmas is a true hardship for people out there - you. are. right. - and you need to get your ass out there and donate time or money to someone in need - and many of you do - and it is another reason I. love. Christmas!

My annoyance with the "Christmas Haters" ..... is more with the "First World" kind of Christmas issues ....... like: "I had to wait in a really long line up while listening to Christmas music."

Have you seen the crowds out there? um yeah. I actually picked up on that it happens yearly.

Cookies. Egg Nog. The Grinch. Twinkly lights. Santa. NONE of these things work for you?

When I hear someone start on a "I hate Christmas" rant ........ I do my best to walk away.  I am sorry but, your painfully predictable reasons for hating Christmas is cutting into my enjoying life to fullest time.  I would rather have someone kick me in the rum balls than listen to another lecture about consumerism. 

I KNOW. Christmas these days is all about greed and deceit.  Gotcha. Now get out of my way - I want to snag the last gingerbread man before the kids see it and work out some subtle hand signals with Grandma so we can win Pictionary this year.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Grandma Claus is coming to town

The threat of "being good" for Santa's arrival getting me nowhere.

For the boy - there is no doubt - he fricken oozes "goodness". We have no idea where that comes from. His report card is actually a little boring, quite frankly .... oh another E followed by another "All of the Time".

Safari is a whooole different world. as usual.

Safari: "It is just waaay tooo hard."

Me: "What is way tooo hard?"

Safari: "Being good."

Me: "Don't you want Santa to bring you something nice?"

Safari: "Grandma will buy me something nice."

Me: "okkkkaay - your report card says you are very good at school - can't you just keep being good when you get home?"

Safari: "I can't be good for that long."

It's good to know your limitations, right?

 I have already told her that Santa's elves can watch you anywhere - so it is probably too late to tell her she should try being bad at school and good when she gets home, right? And Morally that seems wrong - but - FEELS like the right thing to do:  It would be like a little pre-Christmas present to myself?

Draven: "Safari - here's the thing - If you're really good - you will get something really nice from Grandma AND from Santa"

Safari: "It's too hard .... I will love what Grandma gives me."

WOW. That is a lot of confidence in a Grandma that used to be someones Mom that would walk all the way over to the box of Christmas oranges to get something else to fill the stockings up with. 

When exactly did I stop falling for?:

1. HEY somebody ate the rest of the Ferrero Rocher!!!
2. Never mind, it's fine - Santa put some in my stocking.

But - things HAVE changed - Safari and Draven have beautiful handmade stocking made by the same woman that handed me one of Dad's work socks that didn't have many holes in it.  Safari's stocking is PINK FUR! With her name sewn in beautiful pink lettering!?! How is Santa supposed to compete with that crap!

Screw it.  Being good is too hard. Maybe Grandma can make me a nice bottle of vodka.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Let it Snow Baby!!!!

You know how when you are taking your long underwear off and they some how roll down in perfect harmony with your socks rolling down? And now they have become one unit.  One unit that you can't stretch enough to slide over your heel and you can't get them to separate.  And now, you're STUCK with your freakin long underwear around your left ankle - so you shake it around and curse because you are already grumpy from being cold all friggen day? No? then you are probably not from Canada.

Then why do we live here?  We don't live here.  We were born here .... and we can't escape. Why? because Canada is awesome. And Canadians are awesome. We need to blame the first stupid awesome people that decided to have stupid awesome babies here. They bred a whole country of awesome - patriotic - COLD people. Stupid settlers. 

All Canadian Moms teach their children the basics:
  1. The snow pants go UNDER the coat.  Even though my son tries to jam them over - every. freakin.year
  2. Your mitts need to be secured over your coat sleeves - nothing ends a party like getting snow on your wrists
  3. Don't throw snowballs at your mom. I gave you life .... don't make me take it away ...
  4. And DO NOT. UNDER ANY circumstances - lick anything metal.
YET. Come mid January when all the snow angel/snowman/snowball making starts to get old - children will get bored enough to test the "licking metal" theory and you will find hundreds of Canadian children stuck to metal playground poles all across this great country.

I got my first car when I was 18.  And for 14 years I dealt with winter like this: From Warm Building to Warm Car. From Warm Car to Warm Building. Repeat.

I would spend a grand total of 7 minutes outside in an entire day and STILL complain how cold it was.  How I managed to not have my arse kicked with a frozen boot, by people that actually WORK outside for hours at a time, I will never know. 

Then, I had children. They love EVERYTHING about snow - they love to skate, and ski and build snowmen and all. kinds. of. ridiculous. crap. 

Another #!##$ing thing I was NOT warned about.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Communication - the key to happiness!

It is Friday evening .... I am sitting at the computer, maneuvering through blogs via Twitter - my husband let's me know he is going out - and he leaves. 

Half hour later it is time to tub the kids. I'm getting them ready to dive in and my son says "where is Dad? - I want Dad to watch us in the tub."  me "Sorry buddy, Daddy went too ..........."

Hm. Where DID dad go?

I think back.  I am at the computer - I remember the blog I am reading clearly.  He is standing beside me .... he is so adorable .... and he says "I am heading to the blah blah blah to wah wah wah.".  Hmm Frickety frack, I have no idea. Draven "when will he be back?".  Good question, I have no idea how long it takes to wah wah wah at the blah blah blah.

Communication is key. It is key to a great marriage and a great family life. My house is FULL of communicators .... well .....talkers anyway.  Everyone has something to say, ALL the time.  The problem is:

No one is listening.

Me "What did I tell you about covering the bathroom in an inch of water?" Safari "um ...... put a towel down first?" Me "Um ....."

Me "Draven - did I tell you to keep playing Nintendo until we are late for school? - or did I tell you to get your coat on?"  Draven "I forget." Me "why don't you guess which one" Draven "put my coat on and THEN play Nintendo .... until ..... something ......... happens .........with school?"

Fricken kill me.

Me "Did you brush your teeth". Safari "No"........ Me "I told you - you could only play with the itouch for a bit before bed if you did what?" Safari "Turned the sound off on it?" Me "No needed to brush  your ....." Safari "Hair?" SERIOUSLY!?!

My husband works away for 15 days and is home for 6.  He works all over Alberta - BC - sometimes Saskatchewan and beyond. He ALWAYS tells me where he is but, who the heck can keep track of all that? My mother-in-law calls "Just heard from Rob - nice that he is working so close to home hey?" Me "Um .... yeah?...... how close?...... exactly?" ...... Could he drop by?  Did I brag about getting a bunch of crap done while he was gone this time?

......whatever .... he probably wasn't listening if I did.

Photograph by Suzanne Sagmeister Photography

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

little freaks

Before I had children - my friend Tanya came over to visit.  Her little son was eating grapes that had been cut in half for his safety.  When he was finished the grapes - he turned the container over and poured the left over grape juice onto my couch.  My friend quickly grabbed his sock - wiped up the juice.  I asked her "why did he do that?" ..... she replied "I have no idea"


I thought: that was weird.

bull poop.

I now have children and -  THAT. was.  NOTHING ..... it gets soooo much weirder than that. 

I hear pregnant women talking about what age they will have potty trained by, and when to start teaching them to print their names and all kinds of crap. 

What age are you going to try to get them to stop licking all the mirrors in the house?  When is it appropriate to throw away all their long sleeved shirts because they insist on using them as facial tissue.  Non parents think - maybe you should give them their own little pack of Kleenex?.  Parents know that they could have the magical power of dispensing tissue from their own little arses - and they still will refuse to use any of them on their nose.

Please stop licking the screen.

My daughter cut craft foam into the shape of "boogers" and tried to stuff them up her nose.  Luckily, she had trouble getting them to stay up there. Unfortunately, her brother helped her get them up there farther.  Suddenly all the intoxicated people in the emergency department don't have as stupid reasons to be there as you used to think.

Sanitary napkins? My son stuck 15 of them to the front window. My daughter steals them out of the drawer to use as bandages for her stuffed toys. My cousins daughter likes to stick them to the bottom of her feet to use them as "skates". 

"Stop licking the screen."  "Please don't walk around holding that Tupperware container on your crotch when guests are here." "Who taped all the tea towels together?" "Yes. your bum DOES look hilarious when you do that with your underwear - please don't do that at school."

"Why are there thirty little wads of wet tissue balled up and lined up on the edge of the tub? .... well can you clean them up? really? .... you NEED them for what exactly"

Now. If you don't have children .... you don't think your children would be that weird.  If you DO have children, you are trying to remember how old they were when they stopped licking mirrors.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

I love computers.

Last winter was a rough one for our family.  My son Draven developed some medical issues that concluded (somewhat) with a 12 day hospital stay for him.  A simple issue .... gone terribly wrong.

That was not the rough part. The rough part was that the medical system had been failing him. Over and over again. I spent months pushing for help for my son ..... and was continually turned away with a pat on the head and "crazy mom" being conveyed in looks between medical staff.  By the time help finally swooped in the form of a doctor whose name still brings tears to my eyes ...... I had lost it ....... a little ...... ON a few people ....... in a whole bunch of different medical establishments.

On our second night of our second stay in the hospital (I stayed with him the entire 12 days) ..... things had settled down.  Specialists had taken over ...... we weren't at risk of being flown to a larger center for Draven to have to undergo surgery any longer.  I had become a slightly calmer, moderately rational, slightly less twitchy, human being.

I was watching Draven drift off to sleep, when he suddenly opens his eyes and says to me "I know what BS stands for".

Oh Boy. I may have used that term a few (dozen) times in the past few weeks.
"What's that buddy?" I ask ..... assuming I would have some explaining to do ....

His reply?

"Back Space"

...... Have I mentioned how much I love computers?

Monday, October 31, 2011

Stark Raving

My daughter is nuts. Stark raving.

This is a typical conversation with my 4 year old daughter:

Safari: "Do dolphins eat flowers?"

Me: "I don't really think so hon"

Safari: "But, do they?"

Me: "Eat flowers?"

Safari (now visibly annoyed): "yesssss..."

Me: "I don't think there are many flowers in the ocean"

Safari: "But, do they EAT them?"

Me: "I don't think I really know what Dolphins eat, maybe small fish, I don't know - I can google it?"

Safari (I can now see her tiny little blood pressure rising)  "DO. they. EAT .... FLOWERS?"

Me: "yes?"

Safari *big sigh* "okay then ...."

I feel like I just dodged a friggen land mine ......

Safari: "What kind of flowers do they eat?"

.......oh crap  ......

Me: "Roses?"

Safari: "MOM .... Dolphins can't EAT ROSES! Roses have POKEY THINGS"

Me: "Tulips?"

Safari: "do tulips have pokey things?"

Me: "No"

Safari: "okay then"

I find myself, giving up, and just saying "Safari - what do you want me to say?" Someday ..... someone is going to have to marry this girl ..... and yes ..... I mean "HAVE to".  She will decide who she is marrying and he will have no choice.  He would have to be a master negotiator to get out of it.  He'll be screwed.

Safari "Momma, can I take the ipad to bed with me?"

Me: "No hon, you need to get to sleep"

Safari "If I go to bed right now - can I take it"

Me: "You ARE going to bed right now anyway"

Safari "so I can take the ipad?"

Me: "no"

Safari "But, CAN I take the IPAD?"

....... Go ask your Dad ..... he wanted a girl .......

Friday, October 28, 2011

Okay little People ... time to pick up the slack ....

Me: "Safari, could you please put all these markers and paper away so there is room to eat supper?"

Safari: "No thank-you Mommy."

ummmm .... okay?

So we have been going on quite a few play dates.  I am learning A LOT from other peoples children.  I hear things coming out of other people children's mouths that sound like this:  .... "Here is my plate Mom" ..... "Is it time to pick up our toys now?" ..... "Mom, can I do a chore so that I can play video game?"
....Where did these parents find these small. freaks. of nature?

A friend tells me "well, he lost his video game privileges because he wouldn't clean his room".  WHAT?!? That is Unbelievable! He sometimes cleans his own room?!?


So I have thought it through. My children are 7 and 4 and I think I may have already broken them.  Before you have children .... nobody EVER warns you about how easy they are to screw up! ..... I am pretty sure they have learned more about putting their own things away from the dog - Nova - than from me. Seriously. Draven discovered when Nova was a puppy - if he didn't put his aquadoodle pad away - she would aquadoodle on it. No need for the pen. And we have plenty of Barbies that look like they have been in horrific industrial accidents.

So now I am trying to fix it. Working hard at introducing more responsibility into my children's lives.  It would be sooo rewarding ..... if it wasn't sooo ..... brutally..... flippen ......painful.

Me: "Draven, take your clothes to the laundry please"

Me: "Draven, did you hear me? take you clothes to the laundry please"

Me "Draven, have you taken your clothes to laundry yet?"

Me: "Draven. Clothes. Laundry. Now"

Draven: "Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here?" - picking up socks like they way 50 pounds - dropping them into a laundry basket - and flopping to the floor in exhaustion.

Good job buddy! You're awesome .......... such a good helper .....

.......... kill me.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

To Game or not to Game

How the heck should I know?

I am a grown women that worships the ground that Super Mario walks on.  Did you know that Super Mario was actually a spin off from Donkey Kong, originally called Jumpman?  Of course you didn't. You ... are normal. 

Big TVs, Xbox, Wii, Nintendo DS. We have it all.  6 a.m. Saturday morning my kids still want to get up and make cupcakes before I have even had a coffee. Really? Have you opened the cannon in World 7 yet? But, Safari had a dream - of making white cupcakes with 4 different colors of icing.

I had a dream too ..... but, then you woke me up. To make cupcakes. Draven wants one of the colors to be orange. Orange?!? why can't they make orange food coloring? you have to mix colors to make orange. It NEVER looks orange.  'Skin color' is the closest I've gotten and Safari said it looked "rash color".

I have parents tell me that they shut off the T.V. because their children are sitting there staring blankly at it.  My children will NOT do that! I know! I try to get them to do it ALL the time.  The won't sit still and stare.  I need a few minutes to make dinner - "watch a T.V. show" .... three minutes into the show - they are hitting each other with light sabers .... covering a window in stickers ...... carrying down margarine containers full of water from the bathroom ........ "can we have some flour?" .... WHAT ARE THEY DOING?

I need the video games .... idle hands .... and all that.

Draven and I do NOT. understand. why Nintendo has released Pikmin 2 in Japan but, not in North America. We are thinking of starting a petition. This is how serious we take video games at our house.

It should be obvious by now that my children are doomed.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Welcome to the Insanity

For years BC (before children), I worked in the hotel business.  More specifically - the bar business.  I did a lot of bar tending, a ton of waitressing and occasionally - a little bouncing. 

It is an interesting life working in the bar business.  You're up all night. People are super entertaining.  People make you laugh.  You listen to peoples problems. You take care of their needs - make sure they have plenty to eat or drink.  You spend plenty of time cleaning up messes and spills. You send people back to their hotel rooms when they've had enough. You break up a lot of fights. You comfort plenty of tears.  You listen to a lot of incoherent babble.  You hear a lot of untruths.  You spend  a ton of time trying to figure out what. these. people. are talking about.  And you spend a ton of time wondering ..... bar tending school?  Really? What was I thinking?

So, now I have two children and essentially .... my life remains the same hahahahahaha.

Seriously though. My life. remains. the same.

Well ... except for maybe the part where my current clientele is freakin' adorable and I would take a bullet for them .... but day to day .... pretty much the same.